Friends. Always.

I married my best friend then I divorced my best friend so I could keep one of my best friends.
Make sense?
To me and my ex it does.
This new one of mine is one a few friends have asked me to write. I will be posting only once a week. (Looks like a few may have glanced at a rough draft earlier- it's finished now.) The hope is to inspire ex's to remain friends, as me and mine have chosen to do. I'm not sure how we have done it, but when I texted him earlier today to see if he wanted a watch back that I had found... and he asked me if I wanted a few items he had found, well... I knew I had to maybe take a small emotional road trip and figure out why we are still friends, in the hopes it may inspire others to do the same.
Now before you start to doubt the sincerity of this, I'm going to tell you right now I even called him to ask his blessing on this blog.
This may not be a very long ongoing blog as we have been divorced already one year and a little more. However, out of a mutual respect, there was no way I was feeling comfortable about posting anything without running it by him first. But so many of my friends have asked me: "How do you do it? How do you both do it- stay ... 'friends'?"

Best way: A sense of humor.                                                             
I can't speak for my ex, so I can only write this from my perspective. From time to time I may ask him to weigh in here, but he assured me he trusted me and that he appreciated me asking.
You really learn who you married if you have to divorce them.
I'll start from the beginning, and if this can help ONE couple come to terms with their own needs and humanity, then my writing efforts will have been worth it.
I married my ex (I told him I would never use his name, but anyone who knows us knows this is all on the up-and-up) in 2001. We were married for 8 and a half years. During that time he was deployed for 14 months to Kuwait and Iraq (2003-04). We endured a miscarriage in 2007. We sought counseling for that and other things. We never fought about money. We had things in common, we enjoyed each other's company from time-to-time, but we just weren't ... We just weren't the right... fit. The combination- the chemistry was off somehow.
I know he gave as much effort as I did to try and save the marriage. I can never fault him for not trying. And I am sure he would say the same of me. We had our moments in the marriage, to be sure. We were happy- we were friends. We liked and even loved one another. We had a couple of small dogs. He planted me a rose bush before being deployed, and I sent him pictures of it growing. 

Ok, that's not the exact same rose, but the sentiment is there.
We did things together, and we did things with our own friends. We had a life together, and we had our own for balance.
I won't go into the details of why the marriage ended. It just ... did. (Some things should remain private.) But you can get the idea from what I have already said.
But here is where I will give him the most credit: he was the strong one in the marriage at the end- he was the one strong enough to say "We're done." And I'm glad he did.
For that I thank him.
Let's face it, if you're not happy, GET OUT. Life is too short.
Oh sure I was devastated at first. I certainly didn't whoop for joy when he told me during couple's therapy that he definitely wanted the divorce. I cried. I cried a lot. I felt betrayed. What was the "controlled separation" all about then, I thought. I had given him his "man-cave" time, I had allowed space and time for us to figure things out, and THIS is what I got in return?
Yes.
I'll tell you what I got in return: I got my identity back. And I got my friend back as a bonus.
I had been worried and afraid of dishonoring the memories we had created together. The memories of our wedding. Vacations. Times with our families. Holidays. Friends.But then I became even more afraid of dishonoring the prospect of creating memories in a new life. A life where I was happy. And I wanted him to be happy too. 

The turning point for me was this: I gave the ring back.
My wedding ring held a diamond from his late-grandmother's wedding ring. It was beautiful, practically flawless. I had always told him from the beginning that if ANYTHING ever happened ("and I'm sure it won't but IF...") that I would give it back. It was an heirloom that needed to stay within his family. I respected that. He never asked me for that promise. I made it freely.
I have always believed in doing the right thing for the right reasons. 
So when the time came, I took the ring to the jewelers to see if the setting could be salvaged. That was the agreement. Unfortunately the setting was not salvageable. I was truly crushed. I had a decision to make.
But not really. I took the ring to court and handed it to his lawyer in front of my lawyer. Along with his grandmother's original ring and his late father's wedding rings (I had been in charge of their safe keeping during the marriage).
After that it got easier to find our new friendship boundaries. We didn't hate each other we learned. We actually liked one another. We gave ourselves that chance to do so. Our friendship had simply changed.
Look, it takes two to tango- I know that. But as long as I did the right things for the right reasons., I trusted that he would too.
And he did.
When he was ready to file for taxes, he was going to be stuck with a huge tax bill. He called me. I had already filed and received a refund. But I didn't want him to be stuck with a bad deal. So I offered to do an amended tax return. He paid the fees, we filed one last time as a married couple (we were separated), and we got another refund. We split the difference.
When I decided to move out of state for a change of scenery, I needed to ship my car. But the loan was in his name (I was making the payments as it was "my" car). He easily signed the papers over for the car shipping company. And when I was ready to pay off the car a few months early, the bank wouldn't discuss matters with me since I wasn't on the loan. He got on the phone with them and gave them explicit permission to discuss any matters regarding that car with me.
I suffered another miscarriage after the divorce was final. Clearly this one was not his. And by now I was in a different state. In fact, he and his new girlfriend by this time were already expecting a child of their own. When he learned of my miscarriage, he spent hours on the phone getting me set up with a COBRA extension for insurance so I wouldn't be stuck with an enormous hospital bill.
These were the right things to do. He did them too. 
Look, I'm not saying if you're nice then your ex will be nice. I'm just saying that you can control your own karma. Just do the right thing.

My parents were furious that I gave the ring back.
My mother told me the following statement: "Clearly, you don't have enough hate in your heart for him. But that's okay. I do. I'll be the strong one. I will hate him for the both of us."
Oh. Please.
Enough drama. Divorce is hard enough as it is. And it is bound to be hard on the families as well. But in the end, my ex and I know we did what was right for us. I am just grateful he was the strong enough one to admit we needed to do it. He has a beautiful baby girl now. I have seen pictures. We protect each other's reputation. A few of my friends have criticized him privately to me. I immediately shut them down. I will not tolerate it. Period. Same for my family.
They can think what they will about him. But he is MY ex. And when I made the promise of till death do us part, I meant it. It simply has a different definition now.
I have chosen to be there for him always. I am not in his daily life. We do not talk all the time. But when we do, it is friendly and caring. We do not love each other any longer, and will never reconcile in "that" way. But as long as I am alive, I will always defend his character. He was my first husband, and that alone is something to be cherished.

I am a single "girl" again. I am content and comfortable in my own skin. I have friends who keep me busy and focused. I enjoy the dogs (I got the dogs). I write. I do my thing. I lead my life with a zest I have not felt in a long time. I know who I am, and who I have been. And it's still a journey I am in the middle of. But I feel like I am getting closer to some answers. Some answers in finding a true, more pure form of happiness. We should all have our own journey into happiness.

And I hope he does too. And anyone who tries to stand in his way will have to go through me first.