August 3, 2012: The Latest FAD: Friends and Divorced

I was thinking about what to write and what could be beneficial to share. A few acknowledgments might be helpful, I decided. First of all, we had no real property to divide. He had a car, I had a car. We were renters.   I admit all that made things a lot easier in court. Second, we had no kids. I understand it is a whole new ballgame when kids are involved. There are custody issues with kids. I get that. So in that sense, it may be easier for someone in my position to be amicable with her ex. But why is that? Why should having kids or not having kids make anything easier or harder? Now, keep in mind I am not a licensed therapist, nor a doctor nor anything near the sort. I am simply divorced, and I get along with my ex husband. From that perspective, might I make a few suggestions. 

Respect each other's new life... without YOU in it. He or she is your EX. You do not have to call them every day, (unless there are kids involved- then maybe). But you now have to acknowledge that your ex has a life outside of you now. They now keep a different schedule. They do not have to answer to you. Period.

Next, knock it off with the Facebook rants. It just makes you look high maintenance. Seriously. Regardless of how many Friends respond to it by clicking "Like," or "comment" how they "feel your pain," or write "I hear ya! Amen Sista!" the other 989 of your friends figure you are doing it for the shock value- kinda like Quentin Tarantino. Deny that all you want, trust me, that it is how it reads. Then that kind of stuff gets back to your ex. Trust that. You guys have mutual friends most likely. Don't do it.

If someone criticizes your ex, shut it down. Immediately. That kinda stuff just feeds negativity. Neither family nor friends are allowed to criticize my ex. They weren't there. They don't know. And since he IS my friend, why would I want anyone to criticize my friend? 'Nuff said. 

THAT all being said, everyone needs to vent. SO... here is the suggestion: if you MUST post and cannot resist the urge to do, make it visible to only a few select people. Might I also suggest a phone call to your BFF as an alternative. Not ALL 1276 of your FB Friends need to know your biz with your ex. It all lends to mutual respect.

Why should you care what your ex thinks about you? Well, I don't care if you don't. But this blog is about getting along with your ex and how me and mine do it. If you want to get along you are going to have to care a little what the ex thinks of you and strive for mutual respect.

Again, we all get frustrated. But that is what our close friends are there for: so we can vent. There is a time and place for everything. And if you chronically put out ranting bitter vibes to the universe, IT WILL COME BACK TO YOU. 

Look, you can't force someone to be nice to you, like your ex. But if you start changing YOUR perspective on the situation, it might ease the tension YOU feel. Then over time, you may even resent your ex less. Now, when my ex and I separated, we made an agreement: NO SLANDERING to our friends or family. Some things should be kept private. We both stuck to that. I talked to my closest confidantes about things, as I am sure he did as well. But we kept it off public forum, AND we did not allow any name calling from other people. Even in private. Again, mutual respect.

How did I luck out with an ex who simply never broke our agreement? For starters, I never put that kind of energy out there to begin with. I always tried to take his feelings into consideration. And he took mine into account as well, I could tell. But again, you can only control you and your actions. Think about how your actions read- to the world as well as your ex. ESPECIALLY if you have kids. Even if your intentions are well intended, how will what you say or do come across to everyone else? How will others feel?

This does not apply to abusive situations I wouldn't think. Again, I am not a doctor, but if someone is beating you or abusing you in any way shape or form GET OUT! Who would want to be friends with that person anyway. And by doing what you can to  maintain your own dignity, you've just made your healing time a little easier I would imagine.

I think my ex and I simply made a choice not to hate. I know I made that choice, and although I can't speak for my ex directly, I can tell he made that choice too. Always do the right thing for the right reason. This means different things to different people. I initially did not want the divorce. But now, I am grateful he was the strong enough one in the relationship and marriage to say, "I want out." Neither of us were happy, and we had both tried to save the marriage. Once I changed my perspective on the divorce request, I was relieved. I felt a burden lifted. From that "light bulb" moment forward, I made the choice NOT to hate him, but rather to do whatever I could to make it easier for the both of us.

Examples:
I text or email him if I find something left over he may want or need. 

I made a point of letting him know I was keeping my Netflix account and that if he wanted to continue to watch things I was okay with that. That way he wasn't wondering if he was doing something sneaky. I was simply okay with it. And anytime I changed the password for security purposes, I kept him in the loop. 

The Costco card had been in my name. I was keeping it. I had always paid for it anyway, so what harm would it do if he kept his card on my account? No harm at all.

Simple little things like that left the door wide open for him to respond kindly towards me when the occasions arose. He would text me if HE found something of mine. Also, on my birthday, I was living on an island. It was impossible to find magazines anywhere. He sent me a copy of Rolling Stone's issue with Bruce Springsteen- my ALL TIME favorite artist. (Yes, this is the issue he sent.)

In all fairness, I honestly don't remember who acted kindly first- him or me. But I credit him with being strong enough to announce he wanted the divorce. That showed courage and respect. Respect for me and himself- he wanted BOTH of us to find happiness. If we had dragged that marriage out, we might have very well ended up hating each other. And hate is just never bueno.

So maybe one lesson  to be learned is get out IF it is time to get out- while you can still do so without so much animosity. Hopefully the other person will honor that and act admirably. If not, then at least keep your dignity in check and always do the right thing for the right reasons. Your ex may not be there in the morning, but you will always have to look at yourself in the mirror.
Once I found that respect for myself, the mutual respect flowed a lot more easily.

Yesterday, I met my ex's lovely girlfriend and their beautiful baby girl for the first time. Congratulations you three~ A beautiful family indeed!