August 3, 2012: The Latest FAD: Friends and Divorced

I was thinking about what to write and what could be beneficial to share. A few acknowledgments might be helpful, I decided. First of all, we had no real property to divide. He had a car, I had a car. We were renters.   I admit all that made things a lot easier in court. Second, we had no kids. I understand it is a whole new ballgame when kids are involved. There are custody issues with kids. I get that. So in that sense, it may be easier for someone in my position to be amicable with her ex. But why is that? Why should having kids or not having kids make anything easier or harder? Now, keep in mind I am not a licensed therapist, nor a doctor nor anything near the sort. I am simply divorced, and I get along with my ex husband. From that perspective, might I make a few suggestions. 

Respect each other's new life... without YOU in it. He or she is your EX. You do not have to call them every day, (unless there are kids involved- then maybe). But you now have to acknowledge that your ex has a life outside of you now. They now keep a different schedule. They do not have to answer to you. Period.

Next, knock it off with the Facebook rants. It just makes you look high maintenance. Seriously. Regardless of how many Friends respond to it by clicking "Like," or "comment" how they "feel your pain," or write "I hear ya! Amen Sista!" the other 989 of your friends figure you are doing it for the shock value- kinda like Quentin Tarantino. Deny that all you want, trust me, that it is how it reads. Then that kind of stuff gets back to your ex. Trust that. You guys have mutual friends most likely. Don't do it.

If someone criticizes your ex, shut it down. Immediately. That kinda stuff just feeds negativity. Neither family nor friends are allowed to criticize my ex. They weren't there. They don't know. And since he IS my friend, why would I want anyone to criticize my friend? 'Nuff said. 

THAT all being said, everyone needs to vent. SO... here is the suggestion: if you MUST post and cannot resist the urge to do, make it visible to only a few select people. Might I also suggest a phone call to your BFF as an alternative. Not ALL 1276 of your FB Friends need to know your biz with your ex. It all lends to mutual respect.

Why should you care what your ex thinks about you? Well, I don't care if you don't. But this blog is about getting along with your ex and how me and mine do it. If you want to get along you are going to have to care a little what the ex thinks of you and strive for mutual respect.

Again, we all get frustrated. But that is what our close friends are there for: so we can vent. There is a time and place for everything. And if you chronically put out ranting bitter vibes to the universe, IT WILL COME BACK TO YOU. 

Look, you can't force someone to be nice to you, like your ex. But if you start changing YOUR perspective on the situation, it might ease the tension YOU feel. Then over time, you may even resent your ex less. Now, when my ex and I separated, we made an agreement: NO SLANDERING to our friends or family. Some things should be kept private. We both stuck to that. I talked to my closest confidantes about things, as I am sure he did as well. But we kept it off public forum, AND we did not allow any name calling from other people. Even in private. Again, mutual respect.

How did I luck out with an ex who simply never broke our agreement? For starters, I never put that kind of energy out there to begin with. I always tried to take his feelings into consideration. And he took mine into account as well, I could tell. But again, you can only control you and your actions. Think about how your actions read- to the world as well as your ex. ESPECIALLY if you have kids. Even if your intentions are well intended, how will what you say or do come across to everyone else? How will others feel?

This does not apply to abusive situations I wouldn't think. Again, I am not a doctor, but if someone is beating you or abusing you in any way shape or form GET OUT! Who would want to be friends with that person anyway. And by doing what you can to  maintain your own dignity, you've just made your healing time a little easier I would imagine.

I think my ex and I simply made a choice not to hate. I know I made that choice, and although I can't speak for my ex directly, I can tell he made that choice too. Always do the right thing for the right reason. This means different things to different people. I initially did not want the divorce. But now, I am grateful he was the strong enough one in the relationship and marriage to say, "I want out." Neither of us were happy, and we had both tried to save the marriage. Once I changed my perspective on the divorce request, I was relieved. I felt a burden lifted. From that "light bulb" moment forward, I made the choice NOT to hate him, but rather to do whatever I could to make it easier for the both of us.

Examples:
I text or email him if I find something left over he may want or need. 

I made a point of letting him know I was keeping my Netflix account and that if he wanted to continue to watch things I was okay with that. That way he wasn't wondering if he was doing something sneaky. I was simply okay with it. And anytime I changed the password for security purposes, I kept him in the loop. 

The Costco card had been in my name. I was keeping it. I had always paid for it anyway, so what harm would it do if he kept his card on my account? No harm at all.

Simple little things like that left the door wide open for him to respond kindly towards me when the occasions arose. He would text me if HE found something of mine. Also, on my birthday, I was living on an island. It was impossible to find magazines anywhere. He sent me a copy of Rolling Stone's issue with Bruce Springsteen- my ALL TIME favorite artist. (Yes, this is the issue he sent.)

In all fairness, I honestly don't remember who acted kindly first- him or me. But I credit him with being strong enough to announce he wanted the divorce. That showed courage and respect. Respect for me and himself- he wanted BOTH of us to find happiness. If we had dragged that marriage out, we might have very well ended up hating each other. And hate is just never bueno.

So maybe one lesson  to be learned is get out IF it is time to get out- while you can still do so without so much animosity. Hopefully the other person will honor that and act admirably. If not, then at least keep your dignity in check and always do the right thing for the right reasons. Your ex may not be there in the morning, but you will always have to look at yourself in the mirror.
Once I found that respect for myself, the mutual respect flowed a lot more easily.

Yesterday, I met my ex's lovely girlfriend and their beautiful baby girl for the first time. Congratulations you three~ A beautiful family indeed!

Friends. Always.

I married my best friend then I divorced my best friend so I could keep one of my best friends.
Make sense?
To me and my ex it does.
This new one of mine is one a few friends have asked me to write. I will be posting only once a week. (Looks like a few may have glanced at a rough draft earlier- it's finished now.) The hope is to inspire ex's to remain friends, as me and mine have chosen to do. I'm not sure how we have done it, but when I texted him earlier today to see if he wanted a watch back that I had found... and he asked me if I wanted a few items he had found, well... I knew I had to maybe take a small emotional road trip and figure out why we are still friends, in the hopes it may inspire others to do the same.
Now before you start to doubt the sincerity of this, I'm going to tell you right now I even called him to ask his blessing on this blog.
This may not be a very long ongoing blog as we have been divorced already one year and a little more. However, out of a mutual respect, there was no way I was feeling comfortable about posting anything without running it by him first. But so many of my friends have asked me: "How do you do it? How do you both do it- stay ... 'friends'?"

Best way: A sense of humor.                                                             
I can't speak for my ex, so I can only write this from my perspective. From time to time I may ask him to weigh in here, but he assured me he trusted me and that he appreciated me asking.
You really learn who you married if you have to divorce them.
I'll start from the beginning, and if this can help ONE couple come to terms with their own needs and humanity, then my writing efforts will have been worth it.
I married my ex (I told him I would never use his name, but anyone who knows us knows this is all on the up-and-up) in 2001. We were married for 8 and a half years. During that time he was deployed for 14 months to Kuwait and Iraq (2003-04). We endured a miscarriage in 2007. We sought counseling for that and other things. We never fought about money. We had things in common, we enjoyed each other's company from time-to-time, but we just weren't ... We just weren't the right... fit. The combination- the chemistry was off somehow.
I know he gave as much effort as I did to try and save the marriage. I can never fault him for not trying. And I am sure he would say the same of me. We had our moments in the marriage, to be sure. We were happy- we were friends. We liked and even loved one another. We had a couple of small dogs. He planted me a rose bush before being deployed, and I sent him pictures of it growing. 

Ok, that's not the exact same rose, but the sentiment is there.
We did things together, and we did things with our own friends. We had a life together, and we had our own for balance.
I won't go into the details of why the marriage ended. It just ... did. (Some things should remain private.) But you can get the idea from what I have already said.
But here is where I will give him the most credit: he was the strong one in the marriage at the end- he was the one strong enough to say "We're done." And I'm glad he did.
For that I thank him.
Let's face it, if you're not happy, GET OUT. Life is too short.
Oh sure I was devastated at first. I certainly didn't whoop for joy when he told me during couple's therapy that he definitely wanted the divorce. I cried. I cried a lot. I felt betrayed. What was the "controlled separation" all about then, I thought. I had given him his "man-cave" time, I had allowed space and time for us to figure things out, and THIS is what I got in return?
Yes.
I'll tell you what I got in return: I got my identity back. And I got my friend back as a bonus.
I had been worried and afraid of dishonoring the memories we had created together. The memories of our wedding. Vacations. Times with our families. Holidays. Friends.But then I became even more afraid of dishonoring the prospect of creating memories in a new life. A life where I was happy. And I wanted him to be happy too. 

The turning point for me was this: I gave the ring back.
My wedding ring held a diamond from his late-grandmother's wedding ring. It was beautiful, practically flawless. I had always told him from the beginning that if ANYTHING ever happened ("and I'm sure it won't but IF...") that I would give it back. It was an heirloom that needed to stay within his family. I respected that. He never asked me for that promise. I made it freely.
I have always believed in doing the right thing for the right reasons. 
So when the time came, I took the ring to the jewelers to see if the setting could be salvaged. That was the agreement. Unfortunately the setting was not salvageable. I was truly crushed. I had a decision to make.
But not really. I took the ring to court and handed it to his lawyer in front of my lawyer. Along with his grandmother's original ring and his late father's wedding rings (I had been in charge of their safe keeping during the marriage).
After that it got easier to find our new friendship boundaries. We didn't hate each other we learned. We actually liked one another. We gave ourselves that chance to do so. Our friendship had simply changed.
Look, it takes two to tango- I know that. But as long as I did the right things for the right reasons., I trusted that he would too.
And he did.
When he was ready to file for taxes, he was going to be stuck with a huge tax bill. He called me. I had already filed and received a refund. But I didn't want him to be stuck with a bad deal. So I offered to do an amended tax return. He paid the fees, we filed one last time as a married couple (we were separated), and we got another refund. We split the difference.
When I decided to move out of state for a change of scenery, I needed to ship my car. But the loan was in his name (I was making the payments as it was "my" car). He easily signed the papers over for the car shipping company. And when I was ready to pay off the car a few months early, the bank wouldn't discuss matters with me since I wasn't on the loan. He got on the phone with them and gave them explicit permission to discuss any matters regarding that car with me.
I suffered another miscarriage after the divorce was final. Clearly this one was not his. And by now I was in a different state. In fact, he and his new girlfriend by this time were already expecting a child of their own. When he learned of my miscarriage, he spent hours on the phone getting me set up with a COBRA extension for insurance so I wouldn't be stuck with an enormous hospital bill.
These were the right things to do. He did them too. 
Look, I'm not saying if you're nice then your ex will be nice. I'm just saying that you can control your own karma. Just do the right thing.

My parents were furious that I gave the ring back.
My mother told me the following statement: "Clearly, you don't have enough hate in your heart for him. But that's okay. I do. I'll be the strong one. I will hate him for the both of us."
Oh. Please.
Enough drama. Divorce is hard enough as it is. And it is bound to be hard on the families as well. But in the end, my ex and I know we did what was right for us. I am just grateful he was the strong enough one to admit we needed to do it. He has a beautiful baby girl now. I have seen pictures. We protect each other's reputation. A few of my friends have criticized him privately to me. I immediately shut them down. I will not tolerate it. Period. Same for my family.
They can think what they will about him. But he is MY ex. And when I made the promise of till death do us part, I meant it. It simply has a different definition now.
I have chosen to be there for him always. I am not in his daily life. We do not talk all the time. But when we do, it is friendly and caring. We do not love each other any longer, and will never reconcile in "that" way. But as long as I am alive, I will always defend his character. He was my first husband, and that alone is something to be cherished.

I am a single "girl" again. I am content and comfortable in my own skin. I have friends who keep me busy and focused. I enjoy the dogs (I got the dogs). I write. I do my thing. I lead my life with a zest I have not felt in a long time. I know who I am, and who I have been. And it's still a journey I am in the middle of. But I feel like I am getting closer to some answers. Some answers in finding a true, more pure form of happiness. We should all have our own journey into happiness.

And I hope he does too. And anyone who tries to stand in his way will have to go through me first.